Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”