Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Livid.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.