@SteveSuckington: I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court. I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

@KylePlantEmoji: [first day as a spelling bee judge] Me: your word is Sarcasm Him: can you use it in a sentence please? Me: no, I'm a spelling bee judge but can't use a word in a sentence

@kelkulus: I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

@JasonLastname: Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you're now working at Subway. You're a submarine.

@zacharyflynn: How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.