Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.