When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
not seeing the problem
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.