Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO