Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”