me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Going to church you guys need anything
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
This was my dad’s browser history.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.