ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”