Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*pronounces patio like ratio
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.