Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”