Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.