Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Cheers Twitter.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Liquor Store Parking
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED