me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
accurate
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu