ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
it must be school picture day
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it