Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”