Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
describing stardew valley
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…