Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she鈥檇 dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I鈥檓 not hungry
Not to brag but I don鈥檛 even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you鈥檙e mainlining Lysol.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Great acting.. 馃槀
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My fianc茅e loves to say she鈥檚 color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
This is Sparta
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
@funTweeters