ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My love language is hissing.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
definitely did not do anything wrong
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”