Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You Might Also Like
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.