Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My daily affirmation
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?