Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]