As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You Might Also Like
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Interior design 👌
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!