The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
One of the best
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?