transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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constantly working on myself.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
He-man has a Masters degree
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?