ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
i love meeting boys on tinder
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
So that’s what we looked like?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.