5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My new favorite headline
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.