If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE