Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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cause of death:
autopsy.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?