Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Meow
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.