Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something