Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?