ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
blocked.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
This hospital has everything
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament