ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
drew a comic about my origin story
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.