Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You Might Also Like
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack