Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
You Might Also Like
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.