Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.