Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
You Might Also Like
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .