Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.