Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars