Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.