ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol