Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
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That eye roll….
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud