Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)