Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…