[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
#dnd #ttrpg
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?