Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.