Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids