Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware