ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
CUTE CAT‼︎
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…